Tag Archives: friends

Re-Inventing Christmas

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This year, December ushered in a dim and bewildering Christmas season for me. My family members all had important new personal plans that barred me from celebrating Christmas day with any of them. No family at Christmas. They’d been there through life with me so often, so supportive.  But this Christmas I wavered, forsaken. For the first time in my 70 years, I had not even been invited. Of course, I sincerely understand and accept that my west coast sister and her husband have every right to take a well-earned trip and my gulf coast brother and his wife needed to be present at the birth of their first grandchild. Of course. They have their needs too. It’s not all about me. Absolutely.

But, being a never-married single woman, having no family within 2000 miles, I was suddenly orphaned in the frigid, snowy Midwest. I felt trashed. The  message rang out like a perverse Christmas carol: “You’re on your own again…fa la la.  You’re independent…la la la. You’ll figure it out…ho ho ho.”

As I sat in church waiting for the early December Advent service to begin, I realized that this had become a Confusing Christmas. There was a big gaping chasm in my life that used to be experienced as Christmas with Family. Disoriented, I had been left wondering how to re-invent my own Christmas celebration at home.  I especially did not want to be left out–isolated and feeling forlorn on Christmas day. That would have been awful.

So, with the coaching of good friends, I decided to re-invent the Christmas celebration I had always known. Looking back, we came up with a three-step process that I want to share with you in case you ever need to re-do your Christmas celebration. Here it is:

  1. Be proactive. Tell everyone you know and like about your new Christmas quandary.

  2. Immediately make plans to actively celebrate in old and new ways that include spreading the Christmas spirit by giving to others.

  3. Wait and watch for a few Christmas miracles to happen.

Here’s how a new Christmas unfolded for me…

Step 1:

I began letting all my friends know that I would be in town for Christmas and that I’d love to get together. Many of them shared with me the joys and benefits of being surrounded by their large families of choice–close friends who are there to function as family when needed. They are the dear friends we choose to be members of our inner circle. My close friends and I all agree that “it takes a village” to support and love us in this life; and my buddies reached out. They turned themselves into my first ever, living “Christmas village!”

Step 2

Christmas plans emerged. I wrote and sent more Christmas cards than I ever had in the past. We made flower arrangements for 22 friends and, donned with Santa hats, delivered them all over town. We attended Christmas concerts, a dinner, 2 luncheons.

We also baked dozens of Christmas cookies and secretly left 4 dozen of them out for the young construction workers who, from dawn to dusk, were re-roofing our snow-laden high-peaked building in freezing December temperatures. They found the baked delights on the open tailgate of their pickup truck with a Christmas card thanking them for their hard work.

My friends and I shared lots of stop-by visits at my place to exchange gifts, converse over dinner and catch up. What a joy! While visiting, several of my “Christmas companions” confided that by necessity, they, too, were in the process of re-inventing their personal holiday celebration.

Sarah came over one day with gifts. We ordered pizza and watched Christmas in Connecticut. During the afternoon she confided that she too is struggling with how to re-invent her Christmas traditions. Her kids were gone for the first time this year. She is officially an empty-nester. As she begins to redesign her future Christmases, she has decided to minister to people around her who are the most downtrodden and marginalized in our society–the homeless, mentally lost, and ill. She has a special heart for people with serious disabilities.

Another super-close friend, Lily, came overnight for a gift exchange, dinner, and a movie. We watched It’s a Wonderful Life. She has confided that she and her husband had suffered and struggled with the thought of having no big bustling family celebration at their home on Christmas day, with lots of food, chatter, and gift-giving. Their kids announced that they would be over to celebrate on December 23rd, not the 25th. They both felt discounted by thoughtless adult children who made plans without their input. Now, how could Christmas day be anything but bleak? But wait! On Christmas morning she wrote, “Merry CHRISTmas! What a beautiful morning with the new snowfall. Relaxing, quiet day. So nice to be done with everything and just enjoy the day. Wow! Another new experience! Another new experience for both of us. And isn’t life just full of them? Blessings to fill up the holes/spaces where something else has left our lives, and literally made room for new and wonderful experiences to wander in. Another grace-filled gift… Now how is that for a fun and comforting way to look at those future changes–challenges that we know will come?”

Step 3

During the course of planning for a new Christmas celebration away from family, several friends apologized that they would have me over on Christmas day, but they couldn’t. There would be no way to get me into their homes since I use a wheelchair full time and they have many steps. I knew ahead of time that that would be true with so many. Limited options. Barriers. Barriers to friendship. Barriers to fellowship. Barriers to sharing Christmas together. I would be left out. No room at their Inns, I guess.

But then! A completely unexpected Christmas miracle happened! A fellow, who is my handyman, stopped by one early morning to bring us some baking supplies. As he sipped a cup of Christmas coffee we had gratefully offered him, he cheerfully invited me and a friend over to share Christmas Day dinner with him and his significant other. Totally unexpected since we had never done anything so social before, I was thrilled! No dark, cold, lonely Christmas Day without family? Wow! What a Christmas surprise!

His face suddenly changed from smiley to somber as he began mulling over some new thought. Hesitating, he confessed that he wasn’t sure I could get into his house because he only had stairs at his front door.

Oh no! Shut out again in spite of good intentions. Heavy sigh. What a burden.

He left that morning wondering. Should he have extended the invitation at all?

A few long days passed. Then he sent me a text. When I opened it, I realized that I had just received the best Christmas card anyone could have possibly sent…

 

 

 

He had built a ramp!

I was still welcome and wanted! 

That was all I ever needed to know.

And oh, we had a wonderful Christmas day together…turkey with all the trimmings, a 9-foot Douglas Fir tree sparkling with colorful ornaments, Christmas carols softly wafting through the rooms, candles glowing, Christmas stories read aloud to each other, gifts exchanged, a rollicking game of Christmas trivia. Seen through huge picture windows, a lacy panorama of fresh white snow on woodland branches provided the perfect backdrop for such a gathering of peaceful hearts brimming with good cheer.

What a wonderful Christmas Re-Invented!

And, as I look back, out of  this Christmas re-invented came a new invention. It’s that process for navigating unexpected change and loss in life which offers help and a hope for renewed happiness.  All I need to do is remember it.

“God bless us, everyone!”

 

Thanks for reading

and Happy New Year to You and Yours,

Sunny

 

Celebrating Independence Day Makes Me Think…

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…About Moving From Independence to Healthy Interdependence

 

DSC03697 flagJuly Fourth. It’s Independence Day weekend in America; a time to celebrate that we live in the “land of the free and the home of the brave.”  And this weekend, the national celebration also makes me think about my own sense of independence.

As a polio survivor for 63 years who has needed crutches, leg braces, and now a wheelchair and a scooter to get around, I was taught searing lessons about independence since the age of four. As children of the epidemics, we were  immersed, even indoctrinated, with the goals of becoming fiercely independent as we went through our initial rehabilitation from acute polio.  “Do it yourself! You fell down? Well, figure out how to get up on your own! It’s a cold, cruel world out there! You will always have to prove yourself to others,” were words I often heard from my parents and therapists. And they worked for me for a long time.

For fourteen-plus years, my 1950’s rehabilitation professionals convinced my family and me that I, as a young person who had a disability, was not sick, or defective. Neither was I destined to become a deviant object of charity. In fact, my mother always told me that I could do anything anybody else could do–just a bit differently. Our Wise Elders, the polio survivors in my national report, said they were told the same thing. One woman said she had a need to think independently from the time she was a young woman. She described how she traveled alone around the country and made other decisions that seemed imprudent to her non-disabled social group. Our stories of super achievement are numerous. But as we learned self-determination and self-respect, we were also taught not to be a burden on others.

WOW

Now that’s a loaded statement. One that needs unraveling–fast!  A burden? What’s that? What does this concept called independence really mean to us today? Is it the flip side of dependence? If independent means not being a burden on people, does that mean we should have less self-respect as we demurely become a dependent thorn in the side of others when we do reach out for help? Excess baggage? An affliction to them? Should we feel guilty? Defective? Unworthy? OMG: independence versus dependence. Let the unraveling begin with a new thought…

It’s the Fourth of July in America. Our greatest document, other than the Constitution, is the Declaration of Independence. For people who are growing older with the late effects of polio or simply growing older with the late effects of life, I say we need to draw up a more evolved document: The Declaration of Interdependence!  

Not independence. Not dependence. But interdependence: “the quality of being mutually reliant on each other.” 

It makes total sense, if we can shake our old ways of thinking. Under the guidance of this new declaration, we can begin to move from needing to fly solo so as not to bother others and prove ourselves worthy, into a new and lovely blessed state of healthy exchange. “I ask you for new kinds of help and I give you the help you need that I am capable of giving.”  It becomes a gracious and reciprocal experience that none of us will want to miss out on.

Trying to be that old kind of independent can be not only exhausting, but darn lonely. Working with a friend to plan a class reunion or a church event not only takes the load off me, but is a lot more fun. Who wants to do stuff alone all the time? That’s too independent! Trying to be strong and self-reliant can also be dangerous. Now while painting the fence or planting a garden, I could easily fall down, and then pop a bicep trying to push myself up from the ground. I say find a twenty-year old to do it. Then give him some of your best home baked cookies, some money and your full attention as he shares his life plans and interests. We have both gained from the experience. My friends and I trade favors. We drive each other to the airport and to our colonoscopies. I always have to drive my adapted car wherever we go, but my friends often chip in for gas. I listen intently to what my friends need to share with somebody and my buddies pay for dinner or buy me a device I can’t afford right now. It’s becoming easier for me to ask strangers for help when I need it too. We have always needed others and they have needed us. It just starts to look different as we age. As the poet says, “no man is an island.”

lemieux vv

Who needs to do stuff alone all the time? (Photo: Bay Cliff wildflower taken by Paula Lemieux)

If we need more, we need to ask for more. No guilt. We still have much to contribute now; maybe even more, but in different arenas. We don’t need to prove ourselves in the mainstream workplace and keep up with our non-disabled competitors. We can make new disability-related adaptations and be content with who we are really becoming, and what we need to do to live well during our retirement years.

Growing older with greater disability can offer us a fresh sense of not only comfort, but also liberation. I love having a flexible schedule that I can coordinate with my energy levels. It’s great to have time to Skype or play Skip-Bo with kids, do my scrapbooking and card making, walk and roll with my friends along the river’s edge, and contribute to my special social causes. Another unexpected thought–because of feedback I’ve received, I think I have somehow become more beautiful in certain ways as I’ve aged. And that’s in spite of new fat, wrinkles and deformity. Maybe it has to do with personal essence. Not sure, but I think that phenomenon is possible for each of us. We can mysteriously become more attractive. In many important ways, life can be better in old age than it ever was in youth. Especially when we each figure out how to adopt our own personal Declaration of Interdependence.

So stay tuned! Next time we’ll focus on the sacred exchange of giving and receiving.

Until then, I’m interdependently yours,

Sunny

P.S. Weight loss update: I have shed nine pounds since May 13th. Much more to go. Onward!

—Many thanks to Sue Rasmussen for her editorial assistance with this post!—

What are your thoughts on all this? 

Would love to read your comments…

 

If It’s Tough to Get Out: Become A Holiday Destination Yourself!

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The holidays are about…

glow

 

“Love for one another.

Forgiveness.

Generosity.

Time.

Music.

Children’s laughter. 

Reminiscing with loved ones.

Remembering those who are alone.

The making of new memories.”  

–Toni Sorenson

 

Rpoison berriesecently, I had what seemed like an interminable breakfast with a melacholic woman who had had polio as a child. As we crunched together on our toast, she moaned and groaned, bewailing the fact that she was so afraid of being lonely in her old age. As I listened and sipped on my orange juice, her grief and fear became mine for a moment. I felt her pain. I worried. It had become financially and physically tough for her to travel anymore. Her adult children never came to visit. Her brother and sister were wrapped up in their own families. She didn’t see her friends very often. Actually, by the time our final cups of coffee were poured, this early morning encounter had become a lop-sided monologue of misery that might have completely exhausted other listeners. If complaining was her modus operandi, I impatiently wondered if her gloominess might be keeping people away.

Maybe not, but I felt heartsick for her. When we each finally paid our tabs, I was more than ready to escape her dour trap of torment and get “the heck” out of there.

But this emotionally toxic breakfast meeting got me thinking.

Something needed to be done! I wanted to help because I am sure that feeling forgotten and forsaken doesn’t have to be true for her–or anyone really– especially at this time of year.

NOBODY needs to be alone during the holidays…

chuy christmas

So, I thought, if she can’t go see the people she loves, then how could she make her home a happy place for friends and family to visit?  How could she attract people to her space?

Assuming her friends would include those who were disabled as well as those who were non-disabled, here are some ideas for first, short visits; and second, longer holiday sleep-overs.

 

11 Tips for Hosting

Short Holiday Visits

Perhaps our friend would like to have someone over one afternoon or evening for a festive holiday visit. Here are 11 pointers she could take into consideration:

1. Be sure the house is clean. If needed, pet odors must be eliminated.

2. Have  a few holiday amenities in the house such as a festive flower arrangement or a holiday candle to light. Use scented candles, room sprays, or diffusers in seasonal scents to give off a warm, holiday-ready feel.

3. Have light refreshments ready. Coffee, tea, and simple holiday pastries can be inexpensive and easy to serve.

4. If  her guests include babies or small children, she should be sure to store away any potentially harmful objects or decor in her home, and do any necessary childproofing of furniture before the visit.

5. When friends and family arrive at her home, warmhearted welcomes set the tone for a delightful visit . She needs to ready-up to share hugs hanukah-candles4 usand smiles generously. More than that, it’s essential that she keep conversations as positive as possible. This is not the time for complaining, sarcasm, whining or  criticizing. People need to be affirmed and strengthened.

6. She needs to remember that this holiday visit is mostly about the joy of relationships. It helps to be a great listener. (Wouldn’t it be so nurturing and warmhearted if she and her guest had somehow previously agreed to a 50-50 listening policy—she listens half the time to them and they listen half the time to her? Now that’s a reciprocal relationship! )

7. Make sure her guests leave on a sweet note by sending them home with some dessert leftovers or other pack-able souvenir that is reminiscent of their time together.

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????The following additional suggestions are offered by Linda Wheeler Donahue, polio survivor and good-hearted hostess from Southbury, Connecticut.   Linda writes:

I love to surround myself with friends and family at the holidays.  However, I cannot travel to see them, so I had to think of ways to draw them to me, instead.  Here are some tips that work for me. 

8. I plan a theme night to make it fun right from the start. One year, the theme was red.  I asked friends and family to dress in red.  What fun when everyone came through the door in their crimson attire. And after all, the holidays are often expressed in the color red.  I made certain invitees knew that I did not expect them to go to any major expense.  If they did not have much red in their closet, even just a red scarf would do.  You would be surprised at the smiles when friends arrived.  How unifying it is to all wear the same color, it says, “We’re all in the Red Club.”  Our group photo was very dramatic and festive!

linda in black

Linda Wheeler Donahue

9. The notion of producing a huge turkey dinner with all the trimmings is no longer possible for me. Therefore, to make the gathering work for my increasing post polio disability, I invite friends to come on a date near to the major holiday but not precisely on the holiday.  For example, I avoid Thanksgiving Day and invite friends for the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  I avoid Christmas and have my gathering on Boxing Day.  Rather than do a New Year’s Eve party, I invite friends for New Year’s Day when all the pressure is off.

10. Intimidated by trying to replicate the idyllic holidays I grew up with, it finally occurred to me that I could start my own traditions. I decided to embrace “polio friendly” entertaining.  It all starts with an e-vite in which I suggest 3 potential dates for the get-together.  Folks talk openly about which of three suggested dates works for them and they can see who else is being invited.  I prepare the main course, such as a roast turkey, baked ham, or prime rib of beef.  I ask the guests to bring a side dish to go along with the roast.

11. Rather than a traditional feast, I have given myself permission to do far less work than produce a sit-down meal. Instead, I create a buffet table of foods that contains nostalgic aromas and holiday flavors of the season.  Since spices take center stage during the holidays, I prepare dishes with their bold flavors and hot-sweet nuances.  I like to do a hassle-free buffet menu that features recipes that can be made ahead of time and served at room temperature, leaving me time to enjoy my guests.  From dips to desserts, my goal is to offer a wide selection of foods to choose from so that each guest leaves with a smile and a full tummy.  I ask a few close family members to come the day before and help out with the preparations.

So, while I am unable to enter the homes of my friends and family, I have come up with some welcoming ways to encourage them to come to me instead. 

 

7 Tips for Hosting Visitors Who Will Be 

Staying Several Nights

Our friend may want to invite friends or family to stay at her home for an extended holiday visit. Here are some ideas for her to consider:

Wanna Play 11. She could clear out some space in her home’s entryway. Depending on the climate where she lives, her guests may have bulky coats, boots, and other cold-weather accessories. To keep that stuff neatly out of the way during their stay, she should arrange for plenty of extra room by the front door and in her coat closet beforehand.

2. If her guests have a disability, she could:

  • Make sure her house has flat entrances, appropriate adaptive aids ready for guests with disabilities such as bath benches, raised toilet seats, hand held shower heads.
  • Set up cupboards, tables, lamps, etc. so they have appropriate “reach-ability” for all she and her guests need to touch and access.
  • Provide generous circulation areas–for example, can wheelchairs turn full circle in important spaces like kitchens and bathrooms?
  • Monitor if her home ergonomics are appropriate–can a guest actually sit comfortably in either that hard wooden chair or on that huge overstuffed couch?
  • Consider her home electronics–is there a remote control for the TV that is guest-handy? Are there convenient outlets, perhaps power strips, for phone chargers? Can electric scooters be parked and charged easily?

3. Before guests arrive, make up their beds with a fresh set of sheets and set out towels and washcloths for each guest. Write a personalized, heartfelt, handwritten note thanking them for making the trip and place it on their bed. It doesn’t cost much, but it’ll generate a ton of good will.  Have an assortment of personal items at the ready in the guest room– everyday toiletries such as toothbrushes and toothpaste, tissues, lotion, and fresh soaps are a given, but extra touches like a pair of cozy cashmere socks to snuggle in and a good book are thoughtful and appreciated.

4. Make guests feel at home by stocking a cabinet with snacks and pantry staples for whenever the munchies strike. Also, have things like fruit and veggies on hand, and simply show guests where they’re all located when they arrive so they can feel free to dig in.

5. To help bond and bring out the holiday spirit at home, plan an activity family and guests can do together — and santainvolve the kids too. Whether they decorate cookies or wrap gifts as a group, everyone will feel a sense of togetherness that will diffuse any tension or stress from the craziness of the season. Ask them in advance what they would most like to do during their visit. Then try to do it. They deserve to feel well-loved and special during the time she is hosting them.

6. Be a person who gives guests a chance to comfortably relax and contribute. Ask them their preferences for things to do and places to go throughout the visit. On the flip side, know that guests don’t want to wear their host out. Our friend can let them know what she needs, such as when she requires a break; whether it’s a walk, a nap, an early bedtime, or a solo trip to the store. Her guests don’t expect her to be their slave, so she can enlist their help to clear dishes, prepare food, and set the table. Getting everyone involved evokes togetherness and holiday spirit, and prevents all from going crazy. Delegate!

7. Finally, the biggest thing for her to remember is that her friends/parents/in-laws are, with the occasional exception, there to enjoy her company, not to judge her or her home’s resemblance to a Better Homes and Gardens holiday feature.  She should take a deep breath, trust that her guests are grown-up enough to find their way around, and stop fluffing pillows and clearing dishes long enough to let herself genuinely enjoy their time together.

It will be over all too soon. At least, until next time.

We can only hope that the softhearted spirit of the holiday season echos in her guests’ minds and hearts well after they are gone.  And that their departing words reverberate and bless her all year long: “there MUST be a next time!”

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Have yourself a merry little EVERYTHING!

 

˜˜Many thanks to this article’s contributors:  Linda Wheeler Donahue, Frank Frisina, Martha Stewart.com, Rosalie Meyer and Susan Rasmussen˜˜
 
 

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How do you celebrate the holidays with your family and friends?

Any additional suggestions for our forlorn breakfast companion?

Any insights you’d like to share about successfully enjoying the holidays as you are also living with polio?

Eve's santa

Close-up of an applique quilt square made for me one Christmas by my super-friend, Eva Harris.

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